


Unravel

by radicallyred



Series: Pick up the Pieces [4]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Angst, Death, Okay bye, Tree Bros, for once I know, kind of angst?, non romantic tree bros, not as sad, not gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 14:02:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14833652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radicallyred/pseuds/radicallyred
Summary: Evan’s visit involves a revelation and brings up emotions he wasn’t expecting.





	Unravel

**Author's Note:**

> Canonical to the story, though the timeline may be a bit skewed. The formatting may be a little off because I’m on my phone but I’ll fix it tomorrow when I have a computer.

Evan Hansen wasn’t exactly popular. He didn’t have many friends, or any for that matter, he didn’t play a sport or belong to a club. He just existed, floating silently from day to day. So how on earth he ended up at a funeral for his dead classmate-slash-fake best friend, he will never know. 

The funeral was awkward to say the least. Evan stood shoulder to shoulder with random people, classmates and the Murphy’s family members as they said their goodbyes. He knew no one had been friends with Connor Murphy since middle school. Evan was his friend in elementary school, sure, but so was everyone. Middle school is brutal, though, and Connor got the worst of it.

So when high school finally came, Connor was just as silent as Evan, aside from the occasional shouting match in class or in the hall. Maybe, had either of them been brave enough, they could have actually been friends. He had to bite back a laugh at the irony of the thought. 

Two agonizing months of living in the lie of his letter pass before things get better. First off, people notice him. Like actually notice him. Like, they actually say hi to him in the hallway or invite him to eat lunch with them. Secondly, there’s the irony of the situation in which his anxiety is getting better. People talking to him, forcing himself to talk in front of crowds and cameras significantly help his stutter and fear of people. And finally, there’s Zoe. 

All his hope was pinned on Zoe before they had even met. Of course, he wishes the circumstances were better but it’s Zoe. Her friendship was enough for him and he had only the slightest intention of acting on his longtime crush until it happened with no preamble. It’s funny, he thinks, that the most important thing in his life is the one that hurts the most. The thing that makes him happiest is the thing that keeps him up at night, emptying his stomach into the toilet as anxiety attack after anxiety attack wash over his body, whispering the words, _“you’re living a lie,”_ over and over again. 

There were other bad parts, too. Like the dreams. Dreams where Connor lurks in the shadows of his mind taunting him. Begging him to join him, telling him that life is better on the other side. The separation from his mother wasn’t exactly fun, either. He felt horrible lying to her on a regular basis because he couldn’t possibly explain why he was spending so much time at the home of the dead boy because everyone thinks they were friends when, oh, right—they weren’t. Heidi, sweet, unsuspecting Heidi would tell him how proud she is and how much she enjoys seeing her boy so happy for once that Evan was forced to keep up the facade. 

And then shit hit the fan. 

He cracked. He told the Murphy’s the truth. Zoe broke up with him, obviously. He told Alana he was a phony (though she understood the story and understood what happened, she did not forgive him) and apologized to Jared for being selfish. Jared told him to fuck off...and then showed up on his porch a week and a half later, artfully balancing a pizza in one hand and a bag full of artificially processed junk food in the other. 

“I overheard Zoe talking to Taylor Pierce saying she went to his grave.” Jared says around a slice of pizza. “I don’t know, man. If you’re that guilty, maybe you should go.” Evan hums thoughtfully, picking at the slice in front of him. 

“Will you drive me?” Jared blinks, surprised. He chews, swallows and takes a sip of soda. 

“I didn’t mean now,” he points out. “But sure. Only because I want Dairy Queen.” Evan rolls his eyes, getting to his feet. Bribing Jared with the biggest Blizzard on the menu to stay in the car, he walks to the grave. He’s shocked he remembers where it is, but when you’re quiet you observe things. Call it a blessing and a curse. He stares at the marble, the words punching Evan in the gut. 

**CONNOR THOMAS MURPHY**  
**JULY 29, 1998-SEPTEMBER 5, 2016**

**A GREAT SON AND WONDERFUL FRIEND**   


****

Evan looks around to ensure his privacy, takes a deep breath and begins. 

****

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to complicate things with your family. Obviously—I mean, I made a mistake and got carried away and I tried to make it better and kept making it worse and—“ he remembers what Connor said to him in math one time their sophomore year. 

****

_“Dude. Stop rambling for five fucking minutes and help me.”_

****

Evan swallows guiltily. He realizes he was sort of friends (acquaintances, more like) with him and he could have helped him if he could shut his mind up. 

****

“I didn’t mean to hurt you or your dad or mom or Zoe. None of this was supposed to happen. I know it means nothing now, but I was going to talk to you the day your parents broke the news and things got ugly. I regret that I never got to know you. We are—er, were, alike in a lot of ways and I’m now realizing that. I know how it is to be lonely, to feel like no one cares. I just wish I got to you sooner.” Evan wipes his eyes quickly. He didn’t realize he was crying. 

****

“This whole thing? I wish it was real. I wish the stories I made up happened and that instead of sitting in your room wondering what it looked like when you listened to music, I wish I got to listen to it with you. I wish you could have given me the _“if you hurt her, I hurt you”_ speech every brother gives his sister’s boyfriend. Because I deserve to be hurt. I wish you were here to push me and hit me and yell at me for hurting Zoe.” Evan is ugly crying—snot dripping, chest heaving, fists clenched so hard his palms are bleeding and his knuckles are mostly bone. He stops talking and counts to thirty-seven before he can think rationally again. 

****

And then he bursts into laughter. 

****

“It’s funny. You aren’t even _alive_ and you’re hurting me. You are one hell of a man, Connor Murphy. But let me hurt. I bet everyone who has cried over this patch of grass deserves to be happy and doesn’t deserve to hurt. But not me. I deserve it. I deserve to be where you are right now. I shouldn’t be here.” Evan slams his hands on the slab and shudders at the sound they make. 

****

“I’m sorry I’m such a colossal fuck up. I’m really sorry.” He falls to his knees, as if he’s been pushed. He turns around, half expecting to see Jared but he gasps. His vision is black, for the exception of Connor Murphy looming over him. 

****

“For someone who apologizes a lot, that was by far your best performance.” He says. Evan blinks. Is that his ghost? 

****

“Yeah, ghost. I can read your mind. It’s the fucking sixth sense over here.” Evan chuffs, standing face to face with the ghost. 

****

“Damn right I’m hurting you. You fucking deserve it you asshole.” Connor looks Evan up and down. “We would have been friends. We’d have been like—fuck. What’s the Chinese thing? The black and white thing?” Evan clears his throat. 

****

“Yin and Yang.” 

****

“That. You’re so pure and clean and I was dark and stormy. Perfect pair. Too bad I fucked it up.” Connor sits cross legged atop his grave. “I just wanted to accept your emotional apology in person. I can’t show myself to anyone in my family. Though I was going to haunt my dad but then I saw him cry and shit got real.” Evan laughs in disbelief. 

****

“Right. So... see you around? I mean, I hope not but—“ Connor holds his hand up. 

****

“Stop fucking rambling. Maybe I’ll pay you a visit. Who knows, I’m mysterious.” He smirks. “See you, Hansen.”

****

And as soon as he appeared, he’s gone.

****

**Author's Note:**

> This was my favorite one to write so I hope you enjoyed it. The ghost thing was a little cliche but I’ve been referring to it in every other part of this series and it felt right. 
> 
> Let me know what you think.


End file.
